Connection over Perfection: Making Christmas Work for You and Your Family

While Christmas can be a time of joy for many, for neurodivergent people it can feel overwhelming. There is a shift in pace, sensory sensitivities to navigate, as well as holiday traditions and expectations. It can be a LOT to navigate! 

In this article, we will explore some of the ways we can make the holiday season more accessible, and look at ways we can create new traditions which serve our needs and bring joy.

Allowing space for flexibility

If I asked you what the perfect Christmas looked like to you, what would you describe? Some of us might love the busy atmosphere in the shops, Christmas music playing everywhere, fairy lights and tinsel. Others, not so much. It’s important to consider that many of our children (and us adults too!) might not ‘fit’ the traditional picture-perfect ideals of Christmas time.  

It’s okay if your day looks different

For children, holiday times often means an increased expectation to engage in social activities and behave a certain way. Letting go of neuronormative social expectations is a great step towards creating a safe space for our children over the holiday period.

Social Gatherings

Many Christmas traditions revolve around large family gatherings and social events, but participating in every tradition may not be realistic. Consider which events are important to you and your family - can you adapt them to be more inclusive? Perhaps a number of smaller gatherings would enable you to see family without hosting everyone at once and feeling overwhelmed. Or maybe instead of meeting at the local pub, you arrange to go for a winter's walk, or meet to play boardgames or host a family film night. Creating your own traditions can be a beautiful way to connect as a family, while also supporting everyone’s needs.

Food

If your young person finds food tricky, then they may need more support during the festive season. Personally, I love a roast dinner, but my child will only eat his safe foods - and that’s okay. It’s definitely something that has raised some eyebrows in the past, but it is an accommodation that my child needs, so why would I deny them that? Enjoying safe foods creates routine and certainty at a time of year that can be anything but certain, and it ensures that they enjoy their day, rather than worrying about what and when they can eat again. 

Gifts

There are so many social expectations around gift exchanges. While many of my neurodivergent friends and family love receiving and opening gifts in front of other people many don’t - myself included! Presents were always overwhelming in my family home, and there was so much pressure to open them in front of everyone, and an expectation to show our gratitude whatever we felt about the gift. Allowing children autonomy over when and where they open their presents can reduce anxiety and make gift-exchanges more enjoyable. For example, in our home one young person dives straight into every gift, opening them instantly and relishing seeing everyone’s reactions. Another prefers to open their gifts in their bedroom, and will open one at a time over the course of a few days. Both enjoy their gifts immensely. 

Create a comfortable environment

In our household, we have some wonderfully diverse, and often clashing sensory needs. It can be a juggle at times, but especially at Christmas. Our youngest is a sensory seeker - they LOVE bright flashy lights, layers of sound, tinsel on every surface imaginable… and for me, it’s just TOO MUCH. So we compromise where we can. The lights on our tree can look like a disco, but they can also be programmed to be still and warm. We go out and take part in carol services to sing and dance, knowing we can come home to some peace and quiet. We each take time out to be alone and dive into our interests, or to put our feet up and do nothing for a while - whatever we all need to feel safe, nurtured, and connected as a family.

Embrace sensory joy

I think sometimes it is easier to focus on the difficult parts of the Autistic experience, but it’s really important that we remember that there is also a lot of joy to be found - especially during the holidays! For me, I find joy in the scents at Christmas - baking gingerbread and snickerdoodles, fresh pine trees, the log fire. Spending time in nature or getting cosy indoors with blankets, scented candles and a hot drink can be peaceful and restorative at an otherwise busy time of year. Think about how you might create more spaces to do the things that bring you joy.

Emphasise connection over perfection

Being fully present and connecting with our children over their interests, and through festive activities, is really what this holiday is about.  By creating a celebration that is mindful of everyone’s sensory and emotional wellbeing, we are able to simply BE as a family for a time. There is a lot of Autistic joy to be found in being our authentic selves as a family.

Your needs matter too

With all that said, as parents, all of the above should apply to you too! Your needs matter! The holidays can be stressful and overwhelming for parents too, and we also need to consider how we offer ourselves the same accommodations we would naturally offer our children. 

• Remember to build in down-time where you can. While there are always plenty of things to do during the holidays, it is also okay to take a day to sit on the sofa while the children play. Rest is radical! It is a way of showing up for ourselves that creates space for us to be nurturing parents. You can’t serve from an empty cup after all.

• If you need support, seek it out. Don’t be afraid to ask for support within community groups or networks (like our own!).

• Even if everything doesn’t go to plan, remember to celebrate the small wins. One tricky moment doesn’t erase all the positives.

Written by: Addie Woodhams, Autistic Parents UK volunteer

Reviewed by: Zoe Williams, Autistic Parents UK volunteer